About 10 years ago, I founded Beauty Is Inside, a popular feminist community on Facebook, and it's grown to a community of over 230,000. And I’ve been working on a non-fiction book about women's empowerment for about that long as well. I'll finish eventually. My education is in social psychology, not women's studies. This is my personal take on feminism. I do not speak for anyone else.

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If you only read this paragraph, it basically sums up my beliefs. Feminism critiques the shitty, unfair things about society that make it hard to be a woman. To me, feminism is simply the belief that all humans are equal in value and deserve the same rights. It's about fairness and freedom for all, specifically fairness in political, economic, and social opportunities; freedom to have bodily autonomy, to control our own selves, to choose which direction our life takes, and with whom; and freedom from gender-based violence. Feminism basically asks, "Dude, would you want that shit to happen to you or your loved one? No? Well then don't do that shit to others." It's just common sense. Don't be an asshole. It's the Golden Rule. And the Golden Rule should apply to everyone.

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You can stop here or read on for more.

 

For a bit of background, I became a feminist when I was a little girl, even before I knew what the word meant. I just believed in fairness. When my dad told me and my sister–but not my brother–to help my mom in the kitchen, I asked why? But I never got a good answer. It was because he was a boy. Even as a kid, I knew he wasn't any less capable of scrambling eggs. It wasn't fair. We had traditional gender roles in my house, whether we liked it or not. My dad was in charge. When I was in school, I wasn't one of the pretty girls due to my too-pale skin, too-dark hair, too-poor clothes, and too-early breast development. Classmates bullied me about my appearance, and then grown men catcalled me on the walk home. I felt alone, because no one had my back at home or in school. This was a preview into how society at large teaches girls how to act and how to look. Even back then, little girl me recognized the unfairness and cruelty of it all.

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Years later, I learned that feeling was shared by others and it had a name: feminism. But I also grew up learning that particular F-word had a negative connotation, so I didn't want to be accused of being a feminist or to claim the word for myself. 

 

Sadly, I also learned that childhood bullies grow up into adult bullies. And adult bullying tends to look like misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. And just as racist white people like to claim their one black friend as evidence they're not racist, plenty of misogynists think liking sex with women or having a wife means they don't hate women. The distinction is they only like women who know their place, who coddle their feelings, who prioritize them, who don't challenge them, who don't say no, who are ultimately subservient and submissive to their needs.

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But misogyny is connected to racism and homphobia, etc. It's about hierarchy and who gets to be on top. Bullies are bigots, and they're often bigoted against several groups at the same time. It's like a buy-one-get-one-free deal. Find one sexist dude, get one racist dude free. It's all about superiority. And bullies have such a superficial sense of superiority too. They think surface-level traits like being born with the "right" dangly bits, having less melanin in their skin, or getting butterflies for the "correct" gender puts them on top. Somehow those traits make them higher value humans, which entitles them to preferential treatment and the right to tell others what to do. They're essentially control freaks who feel entitled to determine others' rights.

 

Bullies need someone beneath them, because beneath all the bull and lies, they're insecure little cowards. Bullies like to call people snowflakes and mock them for being sensitive or triggered. But bullies are the biggest snowflakes ever. They love to dish it out, but the minute they're served it back or don't get their way, they throw huge tantrums like giant overgrown toddlers. They're hypocrites. Bullies violate our boundaries and support laws that control our bodies and lives. They make the world cruel, unfair, and unsafe. They wouldn't accept that for themselves, yet they just expect us to take it.

 

And that's not ok.

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Misogyny is wrong. Racism is wrong. Homophobia and transphobia are wrong. It's none of anyone's business how any of us live our lives, as long as we're not hurting others. I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t stand by if I saw someone else being hurt or excluded, because I knew how it felt and I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. Some may call that "woke." I just call it having empathy. I feel a responsibility to stand up to bullies in real life when necessary, and I like to illustrate that theme through my film, Fable Books, other creative projects, and eventual book. To help make the world a safer and more equitable place for us all, in whatever little way I can. 

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Being a feminist is simply believing everyone has the inherent right to live freely as our authentic selves. No one else has the right to tell us otherwise. This body and this life belong to the owner. No one else. No one has the right to tell us how to look or dress. No one else has the right to touch us or use our bodies without our consent. No one else has the right to intrude on our bodily autonomy. No one has the right to force us to carry and birth an unwanted pregnancy. No one has the right to take our blood or organs without our consent, even after we're dead. No one has the right to make laws that restrict our personal freedom, solely based on gender. No one has the right to tell us who we can love or how we should express our gender identity. How other people live their own lives is none of anyone else's fucking business. If you don't want to be tread on, don't tread on anyone else.

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None of this should be controversial... assuming you mind your own business, don't harm others, and aren't a controlling asshole.

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Feminism has the audacity to tell women that we should center ourselves in our own lives instead of centering men. That our purpose in life is not to coddle men and their needs at our own expense. That we should be as free as men get to be. That we deserve more than the crumbs our grandmas or moms accepted, or were forced to accept due to circumstances at the time. That we can live our lives however we please, with or without men. To make our own choices and not have them forced upon us. To choose whether or not to have children. To know it's better to be alone than to light ourselves on fire just to keep some mediocre dude warm. We have the ability to take care of ourselves. We’re as fully human as men are, and we deserve the same privileges and benefits that they get to take for granted, not fewer. Feminism is about self-respect and boundaries. It teaches women that we have value beyond our sexual body parts, childbearing ability, and apart from what we can do for men. It tells us we deserve more than crumbs.​

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But don't feminists hate men?

 

No. [Insert obligatory #notallmen] We hate men who are assholes. And misogynists are assholes. Misogynists treat women as if we’re beneath them. They see men as the leaders, the intelligent ones, the rational ones, the ones not ruled by emotion… even if their own voices rise, faces turn beet red, and spittle flies from their lips. Misogynists demand control and pretend it’s for our own good, for our protection, when in reality it’s to keep us down, to dominate us. They pretend to put us on a pedestal, like we're such delicate little flowers. But the pedestal is a trap, because whoever lifts us up has the power to knock us back down if we don't fulfill our role.

 

Feminists hate when men treat women like we're nothing but bangmaids, baby-makers, caretakers, trophies, sexy body parts, support staff, or property. We hate when men try to control us, when they hurt us. We hate being expected to regulate grown men's emotions instead of them going to therapy and doing the work themselves. We hate being expected to take precautions to avoid male violence instead of expecting men to leave us alone. We hate being afraid to say no for fear of what they might do. We hate being held responsible for men's bad behavior towards us because of how we're dressed. We hate being treated as public property and having our bodies legislated and controlled by the government. We hate being treated as sex objects or incubators, as if our body is our most valuable attribute. We hate being paid less than men for the same work, being passed up for promotions, being sexually harassed, being discriminated against for taking time off to care for children. We hate being ignored, invalidated, or called illogical for showing emotion by those who've deadened all of their own except anger, but pretend that doesn't count. We hate being treated as extensions of men, as if we evolved from one of their ribs like a lizard regenerating a piece of tail. 

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But don't *some* feminists hate men?

 

Well of course! But women tend to hate men because we've been hurt by them. Men tend to hate women they aren’t able to control. Let’s be honest—we live in a world where men hold the vast majority of political, financial, and social power. Plus, they tend to be physically stronger and more violent. Who actually has the power to do any major damage? A handful of man-hating women? Come on. Man-hating women just want to be left alone. Women-hating men want to control us. Man-hating women will just hurt men’s feelings. Women-hating men will assault and kill us. What is actually more hateful—controlling women through violence and legislation or us complaining about the boots on our necks? Did we recently have an epidemic where hoards of women were sexually assaulting, beating, and murdering a bunch of men? Did a group of female lawmakers start legislating the testicular emissions of straight cisgender men because of the potential life that can be created with their little swimmers? Of course not. So who are the real haters here?

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That's the essence of toxic masculinity, using masculinity to dominate, control, and hurt others.

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So why does feminism get such a bad reputation?

 

Because we dare to question why men get to be in charge. Why should he get to be the boss of me? What makes him so superior? It's in the best interests of the guys who like the status quo to demonize feminism and make it about man-hating, when they are the ones who hate women. They are the ones trying to control us. Calling feminists man-haters is just projection and defensiveness—they accuse feminists of what they’re doing themselves.

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In simple terms, feminists are hated because we're the big meanies who call men out on their shit. And self-serving-kinda-guys don’t want to be held accountable for their bad behavior. They want the power to do whatever they want, to take whatever they want, whether we like it or not. They want to "make America great again," to go back to the days where women had few options and men didn't have to step up and act more deserving of our attention. They feel entitled to our bodies and our emotional labor, no matter how mediocre they are and how little they offer. They don’t want to share power or opportunities or basic human rights. They’re like spoiled little boys who think they get all the cookies while complaining about the selfishness of the little girl who just wants a couple of cookies herself. They see equality as a zero-sum game—if we win, they lose. Selfish men reap the benefits of an unfair system. They like the hierarchy… as long as they’re on top. Equality feels like oppression when you’re used to privilege.​

 

Decent men show their strength through character and kindness. They know there’s enough room at the table for everyone. They treat women with the same dignity and respect they expect for themselves. They know women are complete human beings, much like themselves. They treat women as adults, as partners, as equals--not as children in women's bodies. They use their power and privilege to stand up for others, to punch up instead of down. They use their strength to protect, to help, to support. They pick on people their own size, and only if necessary. They fight against inequality, not because it personally benefits them, but because it’s the right thing to do. They aren't challenged by women and other minorities having rights, because their manhood isn't tied to others' oppression. They don't need to feel bigger by making others smaller. 

 

This is positive masculinity. Men respecting women and behaving like decent human beings.

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Now, I embrace being called a certain F-word. It's a good thing. I invite you to read some of the messages I’ve received about how my work has empowered and inspired readers. I've heard from women and men from all over the world, in places as far away as Sudan, Serbia, India, and Bosnia and Herzegovina. They've poured their hearts out to me and many of their stories have brought me to tears. To say it's been humbling is an understatement. Here are just two examples:

 

"Beauty is Inside, thank you for always making me feel loved and accepted no matter what 'mistakes' I have made. I am stronger than I remember sometimes, thank you for being that reminder."

 

“I absolutely love your page. It is an inspiration, it is thought provoking and in a lot of ways it is very healing. I, like many, have been through a lot and nearly every day (sometimes multiple times a day) you post something that helps me feel less isolated and confused about what is happening in the world around me. I feel empowered and am reminded that I am capable of making the changes necessary to stop being a hostage. I need you to know that what you are doing matters greatly. Thank you.” 

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Read more​​

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This is why I do what I do.

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: If you've read this far and you still feel the need to share your personal complaints about feminism or how women are mean to men too, I ask that you please refrain. In my experience though, I know it's hard for bullies to respect boundaries. If this sounds like you and you feel compelled to contact me anyway, you can go here.

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