About Feminism
This is my personal take on feminism... or what I like to call the idea that women are human beings too. My academic background is in social psychology, so my focus is on how we as individuals interact with the social world. I'm a big proponent of therapy and it's certainly helpful on the individual level, but we don't live in a vacuum--social messages tell us who we're supposed to be and that has an impact on both how we feel about ourselves and how we're treated by others. I noticed how media pressures women and girls to look perfect and how the world acts like looking hot and being a caretaker of men, babies, and man-babies should be our only goals. I thought that was bullshit, so over 10 years ago, I started writing a non-fiction book--If Beauty Is Inside, Why Do We Hate Our Guts?--about women's empowerment and the things that stand in the way. I also founded Beauty Is Inside, a popular feminist page on Facebook, which has organically grown to a community of over 230,000. I'll finish the book eventually; I keep making revisions.
I hold the sadly controversial belief that all humans are inherently equal in value, regardless of gender, gender identity, sexuality, race, skin color, religion or lack thereof, finances, etc. I believe we should all be treated with the same respect and dignity. Our rights shouldn't depend on where we happen to fall on some arbitrary hierarchy of social status. I oppose any person or system that tries to control, dominate, or hold other people down. And because I believe those things, I guess that would make me a feminist. And it also makes me anti-racist, anti-homophobic, and now anti-fascist since that shit's back in style.
It's all interconnected--we're all interconnected. I mean, don't we all want the same basic things--to be happy, to be loved, and to live a good life? If we want that for ourselves, what right do we have to deny it to others? We live together in society and share cultural beliefs and a social contract that we're all expected to abide by. But we have social, political, and religious systems in place that treat certain people as superior, and it gives them a sense of entitlement that they can just take what they want. It's the force behind misogyny, racism, homophobia, etc. Specifically, feminism critiques the shitty, unfair things about society that make it hard to be a woman. We all deserve fairness in political, economic, and social opportunities; freedom to have bodily autonomy, to control our own selves, to choose the direction our life takes, and with whom; and to be free from violence based on our identity. Feminism is just an extension of the Golden Rule--treat women the way you'd want to be treated. So if you're a guy, ask yourself: would *you* want people to act like *your* fuckability is always relevant? Would *you* want legislators making laws about *your* body? Would *you* want some stronger person grabbing *your* ass without consent? No? Well, that shouldn't happen to anyone else either. Treat others with decency or leave them alone. The Golden Rule should apply to everyone, not just those at the upper parts of the hierarchy. Because all that shit's made up anyway. No one is superior to others. Male supremacy, white supremacy? GTFOH with that. A Taco Bell chalupa is more supreme than a white supremacist. At least the chalupa has some nutritional value.
For a bit of background, I became a feminist when I was a little girl, even before I knew what the word meant. I just believed in fairness. When my dad told me and my sister–but not my brother–to help my mom in the kitchen, I asked why? But I never got a good answer. It was because he was a boy. Even as a kid, I knew he wasn't any less capable of scrambling eggs. It wasn't fair. I was raised in an authoritarian home with traditional gender roles. My dad was in charge and we had to obey, whether it was fair or not, whether we liked it or not.
Early in school, I wasn't one of the pretty girls due to my too-pale skin, too-dark hair, too-poor clothes, and too-early breast development. I wanted to be popular and wear stylish clothes, but I'd get lectured at home about how I didn't know the way men think, therefore I shouldn't wear ____. In other words, men's potential bad behavior would be my fault for instigating. Classmates bullied me and said I was ugly... but then grown men catcalled me on the walk home. Even back then, little girl me was upset by the unfairness and cruelty of it all.
Years later, I learned that feeling was shared by others and it had a name: feminism. But I also grew up learning that feminism had a negative connotation, so I didn't want to be accused of claiming that particular F-word for myself.
But fuck that.
Childhood bullies grow up into adult bullies. And adult bullying tends to look like misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. And in the same way racist white people like to claim their one black friend as evidence they're not racist, plenty of misogynists think having a wife or girlfriend or wanting sex with women means they don't hate us. But if a guy only likes women who are attractive, who "know their place," coddle their feelings, prioritize them, don't challenge them, don't say no, and are ultimately subservient and submissive... does he *really* like women? Not so sure about that.
Misogyny is connected to racism and homophobia, etc. It's about hierarchy and who gets to be on top. Bigots are bullies, and they're often bigoted against several groups at the same time. It's like a buy-one-get-one-free deal. Find one sexist dude, get one racist dude free. We got a BOGO on oppression over here! It's all about superiority. Bullies, narcissists, fascists--from the individual level to the political level--they're all the same breed with the same aggrieved entitlement. They're the original bully breed. Bullies have such a superficial sense of superiority too. They think surface-level traits like being born with the "right" dangly bits ("ooh lucky me, I have a weiner!"), having less melanin in their skin ("ooh lucky me, I'm mayo-American!"), or getting butterflies for the "correct" gender ("ooh lucky me, I prefer the opposite dangly bits!") puts them on top. Somehow those traits make them higher value humans, which entitles them to preferential treatment and the right to tell everyone else what to do. They're essentially control freaks who feel entitled to decide others' rights. Unfortunately, they create social, political, and religious systems that reinforce their alleged superiority, using laws and holy books and tradition and ultimately violence to subjugate others. How convenient. How self-serving.
Bullies need someone beneath them, because beneath all the bull and lies, they're insecure little cowards. Think about it. If you're a decent human, at peace with yourself because you've done some inner work, would you feel the need to step on people? Would you want to put your boot on their necks? Of course not. Because you're more evolved. You understand other people matter too, even if they're different than you. Bullies act with contempt, then mock their targets by calling them snowflakes for being sensitive or triggered by the attack. But bullies are the biggest snowflakes ever. They love to dish it out, but the minute they're served it back or don't get their way, they throw huge tantrums like giant overgrown toddlers. They're emotionally immature. They're mean little kids in adult bodies. They're hypocrites. Bullies violate our boundaries with impunity, but don't you dare tread on them! Oppression is bullying. Fascism is bullying. Bullies make the world cruel, unfair, and unsafe. They won't accept bad treatment for themselves, yet they expect us to just shut up and take it.
And that's not ok.
Misogyny is wrong. Racism is wrong. Homophobia and transphobia are wrong. Your lucky birth lottery doesn't make you better than anyone else. No one else has the right to control or have authority over another person.
I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t stand by if I saw someone else being hurt or excluded, because I knew how it felt and I didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. Some may call that "woke." I just call it having empathy. I feel a responsibility to stand up to bullies in real life when necessary, and I like to illustrate that theme through my film, Fable Books, other creative projects, and eventual book. To help make the world a safer and more equitable place for us all, in whatever little way I can. I wish more people woke up to that idea.
To me, being a feminist is simply believing women have the inherent right to live freely as our authentic selves. No one else has the right to tell us otherwise. This body and this life belong to the owner. No one else. No one has the right to tell us how to look or dress. No one else has the right to touch us or use our bodies without our consent. Even a husband. No one else has the right to intrude on our bodily autonomy. No one has the right to force us to carry and birth an unwanted pregnancy. No one has the right to take our blood or organs without our consent, even after we're dead. No one has the right to make laws that restrict our personal freedom, solely based on gender. No one has the right to tell us who we can love or how we should express our gender identity. How other people live their personal lives is none of anyone else's fucking business. If you don't want to be tread on, don't tread on anyone else.
This should not be controversial... assuming you mind your own business, don't harm others, and aren't a controlling asshole.
Feminism says women should center ourselves in our own lives instead of centering men. That our purpose in life is not to focus on men and their needs at our own expense. That we should be as free as men get to be. That we deserve more than the crumbs our grandmas or moms had to accept due to circumstances at the time. That we can live our lives however we please, with or without men. To make our own choices and not have them forced upon us. To choose whether or not to have children. To know it's better to be alone than to light ourselves on fire just to keep some mediocre dude warm. We have the ability to take care of ourselves now; we're not dependent on men. We’re as fully human as they are, and we deserve the same privileges and benefits and respect that they get to take for granted. Feminism is about self-respect and boundaries. It teaches women that we have value beyond what society says, beyond our sexual body parts, childbearing ability, and beyond what we can do for men.
Feminism has the audacity to tell women we deserve more than crumbs. And that pisses some guys off, because that's all they have to offer.
Feminism gets a bad reputation because it dares to question why men get to be in charge. Why should *they* be the boss? Why do *they* get the benefit of the doubt? What makes *them* so deserving? What makes *them* so superior? Feminism makes us stop and ask those questions instead of just accepting things the way things are. It gives us the courage to stand up against their shitty behavior. So it's in the best interests of those who benefit from sexist systems to demonize feminism. They make it about man-hating, when they are the ones who hate women. They are the ones trying to control us. They are the ones assaulting us. Calling feminists man-haters is just projection and defensiveness—they accuse feminists of what they’re doing themselves.
In simple terms, feminists are hated because we're the big meanies who call men out on their shit. And self-serving-kinda-guys don’t want to be held accountable for their bad behavior. They want the power to do whatever they want, to take whatever they want, to have whatever they want, whether we like it or not. They want to "make America great again," to go back to the days where women have few options and men don't have to step up and act any better. They feel entitled to our bodies for sex and kids, along with our emotional labor, no matter how mediocre they are and how little they offer. They judge women harshly on our attractiveness, meanwhile their own mirror reflects back the face of a bridge troll. They don’t want to share power or opportunities or basic human rights. They feel entitled just for existing. They’re like spoiled little boys who grab all the cookies then complain about the selfish little girl who just wants a couple of cookies herself. They see equality as a zero-sum game—if we win, they lose. Selfish men reap the benefits of an unfair system so they want it to continue. They like the hierarchy… as long as they’re on top.
Equality feels like oppression when you’re used to privilege.
So no, feminists don't hate men... or maybe I should say #notallmen. We hate men who are assholes. And misogynists are assholes. Misogynists treat women as if we’re beneath them. They see men as the leaders, the intelligent ones, the rational ones, the ones not ruled by emotion… even if their own voices rise, faces turn beet red, and spittle flies from their lips. Misogynists demand control and pretend it’s for our own good, for our protection, when in reality it’s to keep us down, to dominate us. They act paternalistic, pretend to put us on a pedestal like we're such delicate little flowers. But the pedestal is a trap, because whoever lifts us up there has the power to knock us back down.
Feminists hate when men treat women like we're nothing but bangmaids, baby-makers, caretakers, trophies, tits and ass, support staff, or property. We hate when men try to control us, when they hurt us. We hate being expected to regulate grown men's emotions instead of them going to therapy and doing the work themselves. We hate being expected to take precautions to avoid male violence instead of expecting men to leave us alone. We hate being afraid to say no for fear of what they might do. We hate being held responsible for men's bad behavior towards us because of how we're dressed or how much we drank. We hate being treated as public property and having our bodies legislated and controlled by the government. We hate being treated as sex objects or incubators, as if our body is our most valuable attribute. We hate being paid less than men for the same work, being passed up for promotions, being sexually harassed, being discriminated against for taking time off to care for children. We hate being pressured to go along with the status quo by other women who've bought into the patriarchal fantasy and would throw other women under the bus if it aligns them with power. We hate being ignored, invalidated, or called illogical for showing emotion by those who've deadened all of their own except anger, but pretend that doesn't count. We hate being treated as extensions of men, as if we evolved from one of their ribs like a lizard regenerating a piece of tail.
Of course some feminists hate men and want nothing to do with them. But women tend to hate men who've hurt them. Men tend to hate women who don't do what they want. Let’s be honest—we live in a world where men hold the vast majority of political, financial, and social power. Plus, they tend to be physically stronger and more violent. Who actually has the power to do any major damage? A handful of man-hating women? Come on. Man-hating women just want to be left alone. Women-hating men want to control us. Man-hating women will hurt men’s feelings. Women-hating men will assault and kill us. That's the essence of toxic masculinity, using masculinity to dominate, control, and hurt others. What is actually more hateful—men controlling women through violence and legislation, or women calling out the boots on our necks?
Who are the ones actually being hateful here and all over the world? Is it generally women out there, assaulting and killing men? Do majority female lawmakers make laws controlling straight dudes' man parts and defending the potential life created with their sperm? Of course not, even if every sperm is sacred. So who are the real haters here?
Feminism supports men being their full selves too, without social pressure to fit some unhealthy idea of masculinity or alpha male facade that keeps them from being who they really are. Masculinity isn't the problem. Using its darker side to hurt and control others is.
Positive masculinity is about character, decency, courage, and strength--not control. These are guys who know there’s enough room at the table for everyone. They treat women with the same dignity and respect they expect for themselves. They know women are complete human beings, with thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and complex inner worlds--much like themselves. They treat women as adults, as partners, as equals--not as children in women's bodies or as disposable fleshlights. They use their power and privilege to stand up for others, to punch up instead of down. They use their strength to protect, to help, to support. They pick on people their own size, and only if necessary. They fight against inequality, not because it personally benefits them, but because it’s the right thing to do. They don't need to feel bigger by making others smaller. They aren't challenged by women and other minorities having rights, because their manhood isn't tied to others' oppression.
Feminism empowers people. It's a good thing, unless you don't think women should embrace their power. Want proof? I invite you to read some of the messages I’ve received about how my work has inspired and empowered readers. I've heard from women--and men--from all over the world, in places as far away as Sudan, Serbia, India, and Bosnia and Herzegovina. They've poured their hearts out to me and many of their stories have brought me to tears. To say it's been humbling is an understatement. Here are just two examples:
"Beauty is Inside, thank you for always making me feel loved and accepted no matter what 'mistakes' I have made. I am stronger than I remember sometimes, thank you for being that reminder."
“I absolutely love your page. It is an inspiration, it is thought provoking and in a lot of ways it is very healing. I, like many, have been through a lot and nearly every day (sometimes multiple times a day) you post something that helps me feel less isolated and confused about what is happening in the world around me. I feel empowered and am reminded that I am capable of making the changes necessary to stop being a hostage. I need you to know that what you are doing matters greatly. Thank you.”
This is why I'm a feminist. This is why I do what I do.
NOTE:
If you've read this far and you still feel the need to share your personal complaints about feminism or how women are mean to men too, I ask that you please refrain. However, I know how hard it is for bullies to respect boundaries. If this sounds like you and you feel compelled to contact me anyway, you can go here.