My family decided to vacation in the desert this past summer. At over 110 degrees in the shade, the only realistic hangout spots were in the pool or the AC indoors. I found an area in the pool that was shaded by a short fat palm tree, so I floated under the fronds in an inner tube, sipping my fruity boozy drink in a red cup. I was enjoying my family and minding my own business, when a male family friend ambushed me into a debate.

 

The debate began inside the house with someone else, until I heard a distant voice say, "You should talk to her!" followed by a splash into the pool near my peaceful shady spot.

 

Someone quickly briefed me on the topic: “Women are more emotional—men are more logical.” Now… go!

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Ugh.

 

As an official Emotional Woman™ who also moonlights as an unofficial social justice warrior due to getting emotional at inequality in general, I felt personally called to serve.

 

And at the same time… ugh, not again. On vacation?

 

I begrudgingly answered the call. I planned to have a brief conversation with the guy, keep it cool, and to try not to raise the already scorching ambient temperature and ruin the chill vibe.

 

As an aside, I’ve been running a large Facebook page (over 225K) for several years now, where I post political memes and sometimes moderate and respond to comments. I try to give commenters the benefit of the doubt and share info if I think they’re simply unaware or misinformed, but I’ve learned not to waste my breath if I sense their mind is already set.

 

I’m of the opinion that public debates (in person or online) aren’t necessarily to win over the person you’re debating, but also to get others—with potentially more open minds—to hear things in a new way. I had younger family members in the pool listening in, so I felt an added responsibility.

 

I want us all to live in a world that’s fair and decent to everyone, whether we’re “emotional” or not. We should all be free to be authentically ourselves, whether we fit into rigid definitions of male or female or fall somewhere in between. It's no one else's business.

 

I won’t get into particulars, but the debate with this dude started to get a bit heated. It became clear that he felt entitled to be in control because he was born male, and it already seemed so embedded at such a young age. This discussion was going nowhere, so I shut it down and smoothed things over with, “No, we’re cool” to keep the peace. 

 

But we were not cool. My little shady spot in the pool didn’t feel so peaceful and chill anymore. It felt hotter inside me.

 

“Women are more emotional.”

 

I’ve been debating this my whole life, even within myself. I question my own feelings. Am I being too emotional? Am I overreacting? Did I just take things personally? Do I have a right to be mad? Are my feelings justified?

 

It’s always so frustratingly familiar.

 

I learned to intellectualize my feelings at a young age. That’s what happens when you’re constantly invalidated and gaslit. I’ll feel sad and then jump to analyzing why, examining my hurt feelings, debating with myself over whether I have a right to feel that way, then trying to talk myself out of it.

 

Maybe this is what guys do too? Maybe this is what they mean by being more logical?

 

But feelings aren’t rational or irrational. They just are. They pop up in various ways as we experience the world. They come and go. It’s what we do with those emotions that matters.

 

Growing up as a girl, my dad often tried to convince me that women are more emotional and men are more logical. That didn’t seem right, but I wasn’t allowed to have a different opinion in my house. I also wasn’t allowed to be angry, or at least show it. My dad already owned anger so no one else could have it too. Plus, anger isn’t ladylike, especially to an authoritarian father who believes in traditional gender roles and so will you, whether you like it or not.

 

“Women are more emotional—men are more logical.”

 

So I tried to avoid feelings and argue logically. The problem is, his beliefs are facts in his world. And abiding by his "facts" is what’s deemed “logical.” When I tried to make a logical argument that contradicted him, imagine an angry man who's bigger than you, with a loud voice spitting searing words mere feet from your face about how *you’re* the more emotional gender. How *you’re* taking things personally. How *you* need to calm down, because that’s the way the world is and that’s the way it should be.

 

But “women are more emotional.”

 

I was afraid to show anger because it would just make things worse for me. It would spike the temperature of a volcano that’s already throwing up thick plumes of poison ash. So I learned to shove anger underground.

 

When my curfew as a teenager stayed a hard-fought 9:30pm while my younger brother’s curfew was later, I was angry. My parents explained it was because he’s a guy. The earlier curfew was for my own good, to protect me. My freedom should be limited because men are dangerous. My brother had a longer leash because “it’s different with boys.”

 

Unfairness has always made me angry. But that anger got stomped down as soon as it bubbled up, so I learned to push it away, shove it down until it formed a hard lump in my throat and angry tears streamed down my flushed cheeks instead. Those tears felt like hot lava burning me, betraying me, as I tried to hide my fury behind gritted teeth and a tightened jaw, heart pounding in my chest, dry throat, clenched stomach, trying to will those goddamn tears away from fucking up my whole argument.

 

“See? Women are so emotional.”

 

That response would trigger a red hot rage, my inner volcano rising up, ready to erupt and explode out, while I desperately tried to hold the pressure steady to keep my fury under control. Keep my emotions under control.

 

Unfortunately when you do that too much, the fiery lava ends up pooling under the surface and oozing out sideways… usually against yourself.

 

If my anger is invalid, and then my tears are invalid too, where does that leave me?

 

It leads me to wonder… is it the feelings themselves that invalidate a point or is it the gender trying to make the point?

 

“Women are more emotional.”

 

Are we? Like, all of the emotions? Or just certain ones? There are so many emotions that human beings can feel. You can find “wheel of emotions” graphics online and printed on pillows and posters in kindergarten classrooms and therapist’s offices. There are way more emotions we’re capable of feeling than you can imagine. Which ones are specific to dudes? Which ones are the girly ones?

 

Depending on the culture, boys and girls are taught that showing certain emotions is off limits or shameful. Girls get the softer ones like sadness. Boys get the tougher ones like anger. Girls shouldn’t act too tough. Boys shouldn’t act too sad. We’re taught to suppress the “wrong” emotions and sadly end up cutting off parts of ourselves and shoving them underground to fit in.

 

“Women are more emotional.”

 

Women may seem more in touch with our feelings based on how we’re socialized. We’re allowed to display more vulnerable emotions. Maybe we’re more emotionally attuned and aware of our own inner life. Maybe not. Maybe we express emotions differently. Maybe we’re all just separate human beings who have the right to feel how we feel without being shamed or having to justify ourselves.

 

Men have the capability to feel vulnerable emotions too but society punishes them for it. As a result, those feelings get repressed and reprocessed at the expense of the guy, and often at our expense if he turns his sad into angry.

 

Humans all share a common language… emotions. Every human being—across cultures and countries and genders—has a wide range of emotions we’re capable of feeling: happiness, sadness, anger, joy, excitement, disgust, lust, etc. Cross-culturally, we display similar facial expressions regardless of what language we speak or what country we’re from or what gender we identify as (yet another aspect of natural human differences that are unfairly judged and shamed).

 

Emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, no matter who you are. Feelings are automatic and often fleeting. It’s how you deal with those feelings that can be problematic, like if you hit someone in anger or can’t stop crying. That’s an inability to regulate your emotions, which can happen with any gender. Feelings can be felt, examined, and coped with in healthy ways or not. Feelings aren’t a problem unless they interfere with your daily life or otherwise hurt you or others.

 

Feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, in spite of what we’re taught. Feelings are normal for humans to experience. No one has the right to judge the validity of someone else’s feelings. Just like an opinion on another person's right to exist—it is irrelevant. Other peoples' feelings exist and they are true to that person, whether you agree with them or not. Feelings are not up for debate. 

 

“Women are more emotional. Haha, it’s just a joke. Lol.”

 

Even as a joke, it’s fucking weak. It’s way overdone, it’s low-hanging fruit, it’s lazy, it’s immature, and it’s ignorant.

 

Am I emotional? Sure, but so what? If we define emotional as displaying emotions through tears, then yes, I do cry a lot. Several times a week in fact, depending on various reasons. However, inability to understand logic has never been one of them. (Except maybe that one time while studying for the GRE for grad school.)

 

Who gives a fuck if I cry easily? I’m actually trying to become more emotional, more in tune with my inner self instead of intellectualizing the humanity out of me until I become some sort of AI being. It’s healthy to feel your emotions. This is a new concept to me, even though I’m sensitive. That’s a personality trait I've had since I was a kid. I’ve often been accused of being too sensitive (see: emotional). As if sensitive is a bad thing. I’m curious about why people think and feel the way we do. Feeling deeply makes me more empathetic. I’m an artist. Feeling deeply makes me a better one. Feeling deeply helps me see nuance, like how the little variations in pink paint hues become a flower petal or how the little variations in how we treat people become inequality.

 

Feeling deeply and being empathetic helps me control myself when I feel a strong emotional pull to push a teenage boy's head underwater as he arrogantly tries to school me on how my gender is so emotional and that’s why men should be in charge.

 

“Women are more emotional.”

 

But I didn’t act all emotional that time, you see. I was ladylike. I showed restraint. 

 

“Women are more emotional than men?”

 

Maybe. Maybe not (gestures broadly). Depends on the person and situation. The real question is, why does it matter? Why are people so insistent on proving we are? Like they're invested or something.

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Because it’s not really about who proving who is or isn't emotional, it’s what they do with that info.

 

Women become “too emotional” when our emotions are confusing or annoying or inconvenient for men. Maybe they don't understand why we're upset. Maybe they disagree that we have a right to be. Maybe they just want their way and our pesky feelings are interfering. Maybe they learned that empathy is one of those soft lady emotions that'll turn them soft too.

 

Whatever the reason, the purpose is not simply to invalidate our feelings, it’s to invalidate us.

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“Women are more emotional, therefore..."

 

“Therefore” is the relevant part—the subtext underneath what “emotional” means. The subtext carries lots of assumptions, usually not in our favor.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… our feelings are not valid.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we don’t deserve the same degree of respect as men.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we shouldn’t get the same benefit of the doubt.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we shouldn’t hold certain jobs or positions.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… our purpose is to care for men and babies and man-babies.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we are naturally nurturers anyway.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we are like children ourselves sometimes and should be treated as such.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can’t be reasoned with.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… men are entitled to dismiss us if they decide our feelings are stupid.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… our overall competence should be questioned.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we must be irrational.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can’t also be logical.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… inferior, but if men put us on a pedestal and tell us we’re pretty, we won’t know.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can’t be fully trusted.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we aren’t as stable.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we're naturally submissive and need to be dominated, whether we want it or not.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we don't know what's best for ourselves.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we don't need to be listened to.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… our 'no' is up for negotiation, while their 'no' is final.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we're weak.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we aren’t reliable.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we’re dangerous because we’ll use those emotions to manipulate them. (Insert evil lady laughter)

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we aren’t as intelligent or capable, regardless of evidence to the contrary.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… men are less emotional.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can be ignored like the muffled grown-up voices in Charlie Brown cartoons.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we shouldn’t be in charge because what happens when we’re on the rag?

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can’t be leaders.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… our feelings don't matter because we have too many of them too often.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we are less mature.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we need to be protected from making our own decisions.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… we don't know what we want.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we can’t even be trusted to be in charge of our own bodies.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… men should make decisions for us.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we aren’t as entitled to the same freedom of autonomy.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… our opinions don’t matter as much.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we shouldn’t get the final say.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we should be shamed or demeaned or punished for it.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… we should be treated with condescension.

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Women are more emotional, therefore… men are entitled to power and control.

 

Women are more emotional, therefore… our rights should be limited for our own protection. (See: authoritarian dads and sexist curfews, controlling husbands and sexist home rules, paternalistic Senators and sexist laws)

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“Women are more emotional.”

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The whole argument reminds me of mean little bullies on the school yard trying to exert hierarchy, using whatever superficial bullshit they can think of as to why they deserve preferential treatment.

 

“I'm bigger than you!" "Girls are crybabies!” “I’m a boy so I should be the boss!” “I get to go first!” “Girls are dumb." "I’m the team captain!” “Girls can’t be on our team!” “You can’t play with us!” “You’re ugly!” (Mean girls are a whole other story for another time.)

 

But now those boys are grown-up bullies, and what a happy coincidence for them how there are social structures that have their backs: religion, history, politics, business, etc. Men are in charge. They’ve always been in charge. They should continue to be in charge, because of reasons.*

 

(*NOTE: Reasons to be determined based on whatever argument works best in the moment and/or is the most self-serving for men. Therefore, reasons may vary.)

 

“Women are more emotional.”*

 

(*NOTE: That’s one of the reasons.)

 

Debating with a man over which gender is more emotional is like debating our own humanity while he’s playing a fun game of devil’s advocate. He knows the game is rigged, so it's low stakes for him, just a lighthearted joke. He's so edgy. So clever. She's so triggered. Haha.

 

It's higher stakes for us—we know the "therefore" after the funny joke. We know what's being implied. There's a reason he wants to debate. And it's demeaning. So we try to prove ourselves, to argue how our intelligence or logic skills are not diminished by our delicate lady feelings. We try to argue how men can be pretty emotional too if we include anger, so maybe they should back off and not be so hypocritical. Not surprisingly, the debate itself might turn a little emotional, on both sides.

 

But the debate is higher stakes for women for another reason. We know if a guy lets his own emotions explode too far outward, it can be dangerous for us. In general, men are physically bigger and/or stronger than we are. It's tucked away in the back of our minds. We know if shit goes south, their angry or hurt emotions can turn violent against us. Check crime stats for evidence. Check world history.

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Therefore... many women hold our own anger in. Not because we don't feel it, but because we're "afraid of making it worse" just in case he decides to direct his anger at us.*

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(*NOTE: The only one responsible for violence or abuse is the perpetrator, not the victim. End of story.)
 

“Women are more emotional.”

 

It’s not an observation. It’s an accusation. It’s a justification.

 

And sadly it’s a reminder: we might have deep intellectual discussions and feel strong connections with some men, and they might really seem to want us around, and we really want to be around them. But eventually the truth might come out and we'll learn some of them will always reduce us to our gender. Because deep down they don’t respect us as equals. They want to have us, but they don't respect us.

 

What a maddening disappointment.

 

Seems like a logical reason for a grown woman—or anyone—to cry.